Queen of Drama

I know it has been over a month since I posted last. I'm sorry. My life is so boring right now, I have nothing to write about.

I am in over my head with school, but hopefully it will all be over soon. I swear all I do is homework, go to school or stress about school. It's all about school. I am trying to finish both of my business classes by the end of October. I think I may fail my Bus 220 class. This class is so hard to study for and the test is only 15 questions so there is no room for error. Almost done!!

Everything is the same at home. Angel boy is doing good. His dad has a new job so I have had him the last couple of weekends. Which is great but I can't seem to get anything accomplished with him home.

My sister is still the same. She is such an ass sometimes. She can be the rudest person I know sometimes. She thinks the world revolves around her, though I guess most 14 year old girls do. She is doing horrible in school and I don't know what to do. I should get her first report card at the beginning of next week. I know from looking at her grades online that she has 2 A's, 4 C's and a D. In my world that is not OK. I have talked to her and told her that if those are the grades on her report card she will have her cell phone taken away and her TV taken out of her room. I don't know how to make her do her work. If she really doesn't want to all she has to say is she doesn't have any. How the hell do I know if she doesn't. This has been a constant battle in my house lately.

I had my second Dr appointment last Thursday. He says everything looks great. The baby is measuring right where it is supposed to be. I feel pretty good, though I am always tired and hungry!! I am 11 weeks today so I think that's a good sign that everything will work out. When I had my ultrasound last week the baby was moving around and punching and kicking. It was the coolest thing I have ever seen. Who would have known that something that's only an inch long can move like that. I am starting to get excited but freaked out at the same time.

How the hell am I supposed to pay for daycare? Here's the thing. I don't make that much money, which I guess is my fault. I love my job but it's slow for most of the year which means I only work on average about 30 hours a week. Which doesn't really give me anything to bring home. I figured out that after I pay for daycare and work my 30 hours a week I may only bring home 600 hundred dollars a month. What the hell? We can't afford for me to stay home not yet anyways. We have so much credit card debt it is unbelievable. I was looking at all my credit cards today and thought I might have a panic attack. I don't know how to get myself out of this hole that I have dug myself. HELP!!!

I have a few stories to tell about my Vegas trip and one about Paige. Should be interesting. I will hopefully be able to start posting a little more regularly now.

I hope you guys have been doing good.

I know it's been a long time, so I am sorry. But I haven't really felt good and there is still nothing going on. My life right now is pretty boring.

School cannot be over soon enough. I am soooo tired of it already and at the rate I am going I am never going to make it. I am taking this horrible business law class and oh my god is it boring, and hard. This class is only 150 points total, 3 10 point homework assignments, and 8 15 point tests. These tests are so hard. I try and study. I read the book, take notes and study the vocab words. Nothing I am doing seems to work. I am getting the worst grades on these tests. The one I took today I got a 7 out of 15, that's a 48 percent. I can't pass the class with these kind of grades. So if anyone has any suggestions, please let me know. The other 2 classes are going pretty good. Time consuming but good.

Everything at home is good. Everyone seems to be getting along and behaving. Angel boy's dad has a new job so he has to travel for the next 3 weeks. So he's all mine for awhile. Except next weekend when I am in VEGAS!! I have Adam's sister's baby shower sat at 1 and then a birthday party at 4. So Sat is going to be busy for me. I really don't want to go to this baby shower. I hate baby shower's, I didn't even like my own. Oh well guess I can't get out of that one. Hope it doesn't last too long.

So next week we are off to Vegas. I am so excited. Kinda wish I could drink and party but I will make it. It will still be fun. We leave next Thursday night. I am going to miss my angel boy so much. I have to drop him off Thursday morning at school and his grandparents are going to pick him up. And then I won't see him until Monday when I get off work. That's a long time and I don't normally go that long without seeing him. Only once in almost 5 years, he went with his dad's family last year to Disneyland for a week. I will live. It will go by fast.

I have been doing pretty good so far with this pregnancy. Nothing out of the ordinary happening. I am really tired and I also have morning sickness all freaking day long. I haven't thrown up yet, but all day all I want to do is lay down. The problem with this is, the only time I feel better is when I eat. I am already over weight, I wish I couldn't eat, so then I won't gain too much.

Hope everyone is doing good!

I just got back from the doctor and am so tired. All the anxiety has me emotionally drained.

So good news, I am 6 weeks and 3 days pregnant and due May 5th. Everything is measuring right where it is supposed to be. My Dr says that unless I start spotting again then everything will be fine. When I had my miscarriage I wasn't measuring where I was supposed to be. I should have been 3 weeks further than what the baby was measuring. So I am hopeful that this will all work out in the end. I have my next appt for Oct 11th for another ultrasound. I am still nervous but will try and take it a little easier.

Thank you guys so much for all the kind comments and concerns. You guys have been great. Thanks for listening to me rant for the last 2 weeks. I know my posts haven't been worth reading lately but thanks for doing it. I'll try to get back to normal soon.

Have a great day.

K so I only have 2 more days until I go see my doctor for the ultrasound. I cannot wait. It still seems like it is a long time to go. I think I am getting morning sickness though. I never had one pregnancy symptom when I was pregnant with angel boy. I felt perfect almost the entire time. Now for the last 2 days I have felt like I am going to throw up at any moment. Happy days!!

School sucks. I am already so tired of it. I read these chapters and the next day I can't remember the crap that I just read. How do I teach myself to remember this crap. Maybe if it was more interesting I would remember more. I have to go tomorrow and take a test in both of my business classes. Wish me luck!

Nothing interesting is going on at home. Same old shit. I have just been really busy with studying. My life is really boring when I am in school. 2 weeks and 2 days left until I leave for Vegas. I am so excited. It's going to be so much fun, even though I can't drink now.

I will post Thursday and let you know what happened at the doctor.

I hope you guys are doing great!

I added the countdown at the top of the page and I am not really sure why. I think I am setting myself up for something bad to happen. I have tried hard not to get to attached or think about it too much but I can't help it. I don't even know when my due date is yet, right now it's just my guess. So if everything goes good next Thursday then I may have to change the date. After today only 6 days till I go to the doctor.

So yesterday I went to school in the morning to take 2 of my tests. So tell me why my bus 220 test I got a 47%. I actually laughed. I have never got such a bad grade on a test. Luckily since I am taking these classes self paced we are able to retake tests once. I went back this morning and got a 74 %, much better. I will take that happily. I really hope next Monday when I go back to take the next one it goes better than this week. I guess I didn't study hard enough. Though it is not easy to study for anything in my house.

The new car we just got has a bad computer in it. So we have to wait until next Tuesday to take it into Watson to get it fixed. I am so disappointed. It sucks!! I won't be driving it until it gets fixed. I have always had the worst fear of breaking down. Tuesday on my way to work the stupid thing died while I was waiting at a red light. It started right back up but it still scared the shit out of me. So Adam drove it Tuesday and Wednesday and it worked fine. I think I'll just wait until Tuesday.

Nothing exciting has been going on. It's been pretty quiet. I guess it will be that way for a while since I'm in school.

Hope you guys are doing great!

My doctor's appointment is in 9 days. This is going by so slow. I want to go now!! I have no patience what so ever. I can't stop thinking about the bad shit, I try but it just goes back to the same thoughts. I feel better this time, other than the strep. Last time I was crampy the whole time and just felt like shit. So far this time around I am not crampy just the occasional here and there and I feel pretty good. I know that I am not the only one that has gone through this. If any of you have been through this or know someone who has I would love to hear the story. I need to know that I will be able to have another baby. I really don't know why I am so stressed out about it.

Anyway, so I did nothing all weekend. I sat around and watched TV. I did a little bit of homework, but not the amount I should have done. I really had no desire to read about business. Blah!! I have to go to school tomorrow. I need to take like 3 tests fun huh? Wish me luck, I will really need it.

I don't really have anything else going on. I hope everyone had a great weekend.

So I am finally feeling better. It's been 4 damn days. I hate being sick, I feel like everything gets turned upside down. My house is trashed, because apparently I am the only one that can wash a dish or run a vacuum. So looks like when I leave G's volleyball game today, I will be doing lots of housework. Sounds fun huh? I bet your jealous!

Remember when I posted about another baby? Well I took a pregnancy test last night and it's positive. I took another one this morning and it's positive too. So I guess that means I am pregnant. I didn't want to tell anyone yet because of what happened last time. I don't want to get my hopes up just to be let down again. But I had to tell somebody. I am excited and nervous at the same time. I want to have this baby so bad, but all I have thought about since last night is what happened in June. I am going to try and be positive and not think about all the bad shit that happened or could happen.

I have my first Dr's appt on Sept 13th. I had it originally for my yearly appt. but I called today and had it changed. My Dr told me last time that when I got pregnant again that he wanted me to come in and have an ultrasound done first before all the blood work and all the other stuff they do. He wants to make sure it is going to be a good pregnancy before I have to go through all the crap. I can't wait. The next two weeks are going to go by so slow. I just hope and pray that it's good news when I go.

So I guess this means my Vegas trip isn't going to be as fun as it would have been. Oh well, it's so worth it!! I just hope the people I am going with have a good time as well.

Oh I almost forgot, I got a new car yesterday. I left work early yesterday and went to bed. Adam came home about 3 and said he wanted to go look at a truck. He swears we need one, uh no we don't, but I'm not paying it so go for it. I went and picked up angel boy and ran some errands, came home and took the test, picked up G from practice and we went and grabbed dinner. While we were eating, he texts me and asked me if it was OK if he bought it. I told him I didn't care, it was him that had to work extra hours to pay for it not me but that he might want to take into consideration that I am pregnant and we may not want 3 car payments right now. He didn't really know what to do. So he called me about an hour later and said he bought it and he was on his way home. He was telling me what kind of truck it was, 2 door extended cab blah blah blah!!! He pulls in the driveway and tells me to come look at it. It was not a truck, it was a Chevy trailblazer. I was so freaking excited. I have wanted on for a while. I had told him when I was pregnant last time that's what I wanted. I could not believe he got it. He said he had actually picked it out before I told him I was pregnant but it just made it easier to buy. I think it's fate. So now I have a trailblazer and he's driving my car!!!

I just wanted to check in real quick and say hi. I have been really sick since Sunday morning. I am starting to feel better but still not good.

I want to say thank you to everyone who has left the great comments on the last few posts. You guys are awesome.

I will try to post in the next few days. I hope everyone is doing good.

Have I ever told you that I don't like school. I have a bad feeling that this semester is going to be really hard. I am taking biology and 2 business classes. I'm in over my head. I am going to start working on all my homework this weekend. I try to make a point not to make any plans for the weekends when I'm in school so that I am able to get my homework done then. There is just too much other stuff that goes on during the week.

G is in volleyball and has practice everyday after school til 5. Her games start next week and are on Tuesdays and Thursdays and some Wednesdays, so there goes those nights. I am putting angel boy in soccer this year so twice a week he will have practice, but his dad has agreed to help me out with that. I don't mind doing it, I just worry that they will both have practice and/or game on the same day. Adam will most likely be able to pick G up but there are days he works late.

Back to the story of my mother....

So G was supposed to come back the following Saturday night. So me being me I went out and got trashed the Friday before. Something you should know is that angel boy goes with his dad almost every weekend, so up until now I have had my weekends off. So I wanted one more night that belonged to just me. Needless to say I drank way to much and felt like shit all day and night on Saturday. I asked my mother to go pick her up from her friends house and bring her to mine. So she did, she got to my house about 6 and left 5 minutes later. She said she had to get home, M was waiting for her. Um OK??

The following Monday mom calls and says that the school that G had been going to had called and told her that since she was out of district she was no longer able to attend due to a high enrollment that year. OK so now what the fuck am I supposed to do. I was in a totally different district than my mom or the school G had been going to. To make a very long story kind of short.. I spent the entire week trying to get her into the school that was in my district. I had to get her name added to my lease, we had to go to court and start proceedings for guardianship because I had no authority to enroll her in school. Had a huge fight with the school district because they thought we were doing this to avoid her going to the school that was by my mom's. Which really is a shitty school district, but um hello, she lives with me. Why in the hell would I drive 30 minutes everyday to get her to school and then how was I supposed to pick her up, leave work early? I think not. So they made my mother write a letter and explain why my sister was living with me and not her. Finally, they let her attend that school. We had registration that next day, Friday and school started Monday. I had missed almost the entire week of work because I was driving back and forth to schools and the court house. I had to pay the filing fee for the guardianship which was almost $200 bucks plus had to get an ad in the paper to try and find her dad that cost $65. I had to pay all of her registration fees, PE uniform, yearbook, planner, lunch money... and all her school supplies, school clothes and shoes. Do you think that my mom offered to give me a fucking dime?? Nope and I spent almost a thousand dollars in a matter of a couple days. I wouldn't mind doing it, but I was at the time a single income house with a 3 year old already and why do you have no money, you and your husband both work.

The next few months went by without any drama. My mother despite only living a half hour away, never came to my house to visit her. Not once!

Adam and I had gotten back together and decided that if we were going to make this work we needed to get a bigger place. We found the house we are currently in at the beginning of December. Each of the kids would have their own room. We were all very excited. I had finally text my mom and told her that she needed to start giving me money because I needed help with buying G new winter clothes and new bedroom furniture, bedding, etc. So she says that she could try and give me $25 dollars a week. Now this is nothing seeing as how I am raising your child, but up until now she had not given my a dime to help out. She pays her cell phone bill and that's it. So I would take what I could get. The very next day she calls and says that she could only give me the $25 dollars every other week when M gets paid. Um alright. So you want to know how many times I saw that 25 bucks, zero, zilch, nada!!!

Now I need to state for the record that this women has a job. She works and brings home about $1200 a month. M, after taxes and child support payments brings home like $800 dollars a month. They do not pay rent and have no car payments. They have car insurance, utility bills, phone, cell phone, and 2 credit cards. Added all up and it is no more than 7 or 8 hundred bucks a month. So what is it that they spend their money on? Good question, they should still have the money my mom brings home left over. She bitches all the time that they don't have money to buy food or gas. So as far as I can tell they spend it on alcohol and cig.

So needless to say G got all the stuff she needed for her room, furniture, bedding, and some new winter clothes. I didn't really need her to give me the money to help me out, I acted like I needed it more than anything just to see if she would actually help out. Guess I got my answer.

So I guess my biggest issue is that they have no fucking bills and no kids. We have a shit load of bills and 2 kids and we can pay for the shit so why can't she help out. We can manage to have a nice house and nice cars and everyone has clothes and food. I just have a hard time understanding how you make the decisions that you do being as old as you are.

Recently my mother has been having female medical problems. This is something that is a little scary but it is common. It's taken about 6 months to get a diagnosis, and she will have surgery in September to have a hysterectomy and have her muscles sewn back up. It pisses me off because she has known for months that she would have to have surgery and more than likely be off work for at least 6 weeks and has done nothing to help out her situation. She still spends their money on bullshit. She has nothing saved up to help out when shes off work. And now she's started to give me the guilt trip about not having the money to pay for G's cell phone. This is the one thing you do for the kid, give me $60 bucks a month to pay her cell phone and your trying to get out of that too.

I have to tell you even though I make it sound so, she is not an alcoholic. If she was I would understand a little bit more when she tells me she has no money or she missed work because she was hung over. My mom has been a partier off and on my whole life but it is something she can control. When she left M a couple years ago and had her own place she made it on her own just fine, no bitching about no money and she didn't spend it on alcohol. I know she is capable of taking care of herself but it pisses me off that she chooses not to.

Another problem I have had lately is no matter what shit she has pulled, I never stay mad at her and I never say anything to her. Regardless she is still my mother. I feel sorry for her. Lately it has been getting to me though. She calls and pretends its to find out how we are all doing and before you can even answer her she goes into how bad her life sucks. I don't know how to handle this anymore. I live 5 minutes from her work and have lived there for 8 months, she has been to my house once. She bailed out of G's birthday dinner because she had to get home because M was getting off work soon. I think that she has seen G a total of 6 times in the 13 months she has lived with me. Five of those times is because I have either gone to her house( 1 time ) or gone to my grandfathers ( 4 times ). Other than the money she gives me to pay for the cell phone, I have never received any money to help out nor has she given G money for anything.

My mother called me the Sunday before last, the 12th(my birthday) and told me that she would deposit $30 the following Friday in my bank to do what ever I wanted with it, spend on G or take it for myself. So that Friday rolls around and she didn't go to work because she was sick or hungover but whatever, she would give it to me Monday, but it would probably only be $20. So this Sunday she calls and tells me about her weekend, they drank all night and M was drunk, blah blah blah. She says she will deposit my money the next day but now it's only going to be $10 because she just didn't have anymore than that. So today is Thursday, I have not heard from her or seen the money. I really just want to tell her to shove it up her ass. I have budgeted in G's cell phone money so that I no longer need to count on her to give it to me.

This is not just a money thing with her. G told her the weekend that she was playing volleyball and she says, "well I don't have a car so I couldn't go anyway". Um, what is it that you drive to work everyday, that would be a car you dumbass. Mind you the air conditioner does not work, it is still a car. It takes 5 minutes to get from your work to her school. So I text my brother and my mom yesterday to let them know her first game is next Tuesday. I hear back from my brother 10 minutes later, he will be there. Still haven't heard from my mom. Funny huh??

I want to thank everyone who has left great comments on the last post about my mother. It means alot to me. I want to let you know that I am not posting all of this for anyone to feel sorry for me or anything like that. I do what I can and I am not perfect, but damn I try :). I just need someone else to vent to about my mom. I am at a lose for what to do anymore. I want to tell her how I feel, but I don't think it would do anything. What do you guys think? What would you do if you were me? Thanks for listening or uh reading.

Hope you have a great day!!

Hey guys,

I just wanted to let you know that I have school today so I don't know if I will be able to finish the rest of my story from yesterday until tomorrow. Hopefully I can do it between classes. Thank you for the great comments you have left. I really can't tell you how much I appreciate it. You guys are great!! There is so much more to this story and I hope it doesn't bore you to death but I feel that I need to tell it so that you will understand where 90% of the drama in my life comes from. Also, it's nice to be able to get this shit off my chest to people who don't know her. So again, thank you for listening.

Hope you all have a great day!!!

Sorry I never got around to the post about my mother this weekend. I really don't know why I didn't. We did absolutely nothing all weekend and it was great. See school starts tomorrow and this was my last weekend free of homework and stress.

Saturday we slept in a little bit, I made breakfast for the kiddies. We lounged around all day and just watched movies. Oh and I did laundry. Fun, I bet your jealous. Sunday we decided we were tired of TV so we went to lunch and to go walk around the mall for a couple hours. I spent some time outside with my angel boy when we got home. It was the first evening that it was below 100 degrees before dark so I took advantage. All in all it was a great relaxing weekend.

School starts tomorrow and I am so not looking forward to it. I don't really mind it but I just feel like I haven't really had a break, and it sucks. So I have to go to orientation tomorrow at 1210 and 325. Both of those classes are self paced so we just have to show up for the first day. It's not that bad but I have to drive to that campus once a week to turn in homework and take tests. I guess I really shouldn't be complaining it could be worse.

So we will start the story about this women who is supposed to be my mother...

My life before we moved to Arizona, when I was 9, was the typical childhood story. Nothing out of the ordinary, other than my mother and father were divorced and my mom was remarried and had my brother a year later. I am 4 years older than he is.

So my grandmother gets cancer and my mom decides that she is going to divorce my brothers dad "S" and move to be closer to my grandma. We move out here to this little 1 bedroom apt. My mom has no money, no job and a broken car. So it takes a little while for things to get a little stable. She finds a job and buys a little shitty car that I think my grandparents gave her money for.

For the next 2 years it is the same story. She dates every man that lives in our apartment complex, goes out every night while I'm at home with my brother. Finds these girlfriends that are like 21 years old to go out with and pick up guys. Mind you she is 35 by this point. Now being 9 years old there is only so much you can take. This was all very new to me. She had been the typical leave it to beaver mom the first 9 years of my life and now all of a sudden she's never home, always drunk and bringing random guys home from the bar.

By the time I turned 11 I had had enough. I was always taking care of my little brother, and pretty much left to fend for ourselves. I woke up one night to one of her drunken temper tantrums. I got out of bed to go see if she was OK, as I walked down the hallway and went to turn into the dining room a plate went flying by my face almost hitting me. She was pissed off about who knows what and so she thought it would make her feel better to throw everything that was breakable off the balcony. I called my dad the next day, who was by then remarried and living in Texas, to come and get me. He was there 2 days later.

I lived with my dad the next 2 and half years. I loved my dad and still do but his wife was horrible. She had a son before she met my dad and he was a few years younger than me. I think she was a little jealous of me. I know it sounds stupid for a grown ass women to be jealous of an 11 year old child but I was daddy's little girl. So as much as life was normal for me then I really missed my mom. I know she had issues but she was my mom.

The summer before I turned 14, my dad had bought me a ticket to go visit my mom for 2 weeks. She had just had my sister the April before, so I was really excited to go see her. In the time I had lived with my dad I hadn't seen my mom once, only heard from her about once a week. So I'm not sure why I wanted to go back, but I did. Once I was at my mom's I decided I didn't want to go back with my dad, I wanted to stay with her. I think that my main reason was my sister, and I know now with everything that has happened recently that it was for the best. Needless to say my dad was pissed when my mom called him and told him I wasn't coming home and she tore up my plane ticket. I didn't see my dad again until I was almost 24.

My sister's dad had left my mother when she was only 2 months old. The month after I returned home she started dating "R" and they quickly moved in together. They would eventually get married and stayed together almost 8 years. The time they were together I think things were pretty OK. We never really had any money, but we made it, we moved every year always to a different apartment and by the end of those 8 years they were fighting all the time.

In the last 2 years they were together I had moved out with a boyfriend, stayed gone about a year and moved back home. It would only be 5 months before they would split for good. My mother being the wonderful women she is started screwing one of R's friends before she kicked him out. She always had to have a back up plan. 3 months later she decided she couldn't afford to take care of all of us, so she kicked me out and sent my brother who was then 17 to go live with his father who he hadn't seen in 12 years in another state. She took my sister and got this shitty little apt by themselves. She had no car and a crappy job.

Within the next 5 months she would break up with that boyfriend and start dating a man who lived in the same complex, who was a friend of the ex. So I found out in April that I was pregnant with angel boy and had to find somewhere to move. The girl I had been living with was also pregnant and already had a son, too many people for the already too small house. So my mom made me an offer, she would move into boyfriends apt and I could have hers and not pay rent, if I kept my sister who at the time was 9. I agreed. The 7 months I lived there I don't think my mom ever came to our apt and hardly ever spent time with G(my sister).

Two weeks before I had my son, my brother came back from his dad's and was staying with me. This was a 1 bedroom apt, with me, my sis, and my bro. I was about to give birth and couldn't have everyone there after I did. So my mom took my sis back.

So she marries boyfriend "M" (the 5th one) and they move to his mom's house. Classy right?? I move with my brother to a nicer, bigger apartment where we live for 2 years. In the these 2 years my mom and M split 3 times, once coming to stay at my house for 2 months. Do you think she gave us a fucking dime, nope!! She gets her own place and then a few months later goes back to M. The problem with M is that he has a shitty paying job and has 4 kids he pays child support for.In the last year his mom died, and left them her house. This house is over 100 years old, in a horrible part of town, really small and falling apart. But hell they don't pay rent so it works. He makes no money and either does my mom. He never sees his kids and doesn't really like my sister. They fight constantly about her. He drinks too much and now so does my mother. Just like old times!!

January of 06 I move to my own apt with angel boy. I am working part time and going to school part time, just like I am now. I get us a 1 bedroom apt, and it works. Its cute, good neighbor hood and finally my own place. G starts spending the weekends with me because things at home are getting worse. They are always fighting, she is now not getting along with my mom, life for her is just pretty bad. So when school gets out for the summer, she starts staying with me.

The last Sunday in July, G was with my mom and M at some work party for M. They were both pretty drunk and my mom was pissed at M because he was talking to other people. I know god forbid. So they get home and are fighting and G call's me crying. Now you have to understand this is a little girl that never cries, so I know its bad. I ask her if she wants me to come get her because by this point I can hear them fighting and it sounds bad. So I wake up angel boy and drive the 30 min to my mom's house. My mother is waiting for me in the driveway and the first words out of her mouth are "don't let her come back here". OK what the fuck???

G had plans the next day to go to Disneyland with a friend of hers and they would be gone a week. So I thought we would have everything all figured out by the time she got back. The first few days, my mom's story was, she would save some money and get her own place, because she wasn't going to choose a man over her child. Then all of a sudden it was she just couldn't leave and she had the fucking nerve to tell me "I know you don't really have the money or the room to keep her but you can figure it out". So over a year later I still have G, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

There is a lot of details in the last year that I need to explain but I'm getting tired and this post is already entirely too long. I'll finish tomorrow.

I am so glad today is Friday. Work this week had really dragged on and on. I don't have enough work to really keep me busy but at the same time I can't leave early or when I am done with my work since I need that paycheck.

School starts next Wednesday for me and I am not really ready for it. I only had a 2 week break in between summer and fall. I need just a little more time. I still need to go shopping for school supplies, which isn't really that much but still.

This weekend I have no plans!! I am going to hang out and relax. I have my angel boy this weekend. Usually his dad picks him up on Fridays and keeps him til Sunday night. But I guess he has plans to go out this weekend so he asked me to keep him. Of course I will. When I am in school it's kinda nice to get a break from him so that I can do my homework on the weekends. But I miss him so much. It sucks that when he's with me, it's during the week, how fun is that. We have to get up early and go to school/work all day. Go home eat dinner, take a bath, play for a little bit, go to bed just to wake up and do it all over again the next day. So I am excited I have him this weekend.

I haven't talked to Paige in a couple days. I know she still thinks that I am mad at her, but I'm not. I just really don't have a whole lot to say. My life has really been boring this week. Same shit different day.

My mom's birthday was yesterday. I did the same shit she did to me on mine, I text her. Can you believe that she text me to tell me happy birthday. She couldn't call. I am your oldest child, who happens to be raising your youngest child and you couldn't pick up a freaking phone. She lives 20 minutes away! This women is something else, I tell you. I am going to tell you guys how I ended up raising my sister, but it's a long story so maybe this weekend I can get around to writing about it.

Adam's sister is pregnant. She is a year younger than me and this is her first child. See she found out in January, and she had only been dating her boyfriend, now husband for like 3 or 4 weeks. Now, I can not talk about that, I have the same story minus the marriage(story another day). So in April they got married. I thought this was all a little strange but who the hell am I to judge anyone, nobody. So I was asked to be a bridesmaid. Because I don't really talk to her much I thought this was really weird, but I said yes. I want his family to like me, and for the most part I think they do. So we do the wedding thing, it turned out really nice. She was with me when I started having my miscarriage, she took me to the hospital. When I found out for sure that's what had happened she called to make sure that I was alright. I haven't heard from her since and that was the beginning of June. Now we have never really talked all that much and I know that she is busy with being a new wife and almost new mommy. So Wednesday night Adam tells me that her baby shower is next sat. the 25th. Really?? Nice that I was not invited. Now I really don't care, I don't talk to the girl hardly ever, but I thought we were cool. I was good enough to be in your freakin wedding but not cool enough to go to your baby shower. Huh?

I decide to text her yesterday just to see if she's doing alright. She lets me know about this going away party for some friend of her's that is tonight. Offers to pay for a babysitter for angel boy since she really wants us to go. Funny she never mentions her baby shower. Needless to say I am not going to this party. I kinda feel bad because I think Adam wanted to go. But at the same time, you tell me the day before, I haven't talk to you in 2 months, and you don't invite me to your baby shower. Plus I don't know any of these people. I think not!! Adam doesn't want to go that bad as he doesn't know these people either but he is worried she is going to get mad because she supposedly invites us to shit but we never go. How about the damn baby shower. Sorry if I seem bitter but I guess it kinda hurt my feelings. I'll get over it though. I should go buy her a present just to be the nice one. What are your thoughts?

Anyway I hope you guys have a great weekend! I will try and post the story of the ever famous mother this weekend!!

So I have wanted to have another baby for almost a year. I know that I should do the this shit in order and get married first. But if you have noticed I do everything ass backwards or as my son would say backworks. I got knocked up when I was 22(that's a really good story that I need to tell), started college when I was 24, got engaged at 26 and I'm still not married yet.

The thought of marriage scares the shit out of me. See my mother has been married 5 times and my dad has been married 3 times, see why? Me and the fiance have been together for almost 3 years, lived together for almost a year and I don't really see what will change. I go back and forth on getting married so much its actually kinda scary. I really want to do it, and do it soon but at the same time I am afraid that it's all going to go to shit after I say "I do". Adam never really wanted to rush into it either and always said someday just not now. But we have finally both agreed it is better to do it, so we set a date.

We have decided to get married Jan 11, 2008. We got engaged on that date 2 years earler. We are just going to go to the court house and do it. I have never really wanted a huge wedding, unless it will be the fairytale that I want it to be. See the thing is I have a hard time spending that much money on a wedding. I would rather go on a wonderful honeymoon, or a family vacation, or put a down payment down on a house.

Back to the baby thing. I got pregnant last April and found out May 11th. Though we were both very nervous, I was so excited. It does something to you knowing that you are having a baby and I loved being pregnant with my son, even though I did it by myself. Everything was good, we planned everything out to a t, only problem was I would only be able to take 6 weeks off work since it would be going in to tax season but I would work that out eventually.

May 22nd, right before I went to bed, I went to the bathroom and noticed I was spotting. I freaked out and knew something bad was going to happen. When I was pregnant the first time, I never had a symptom, an ache, nothing at all. So this was bad. The next day I went to the ER with my future sister in law, who is also pregnant and due in Oct. They did an exam and ultrasound, said everything was ok and there was a heartbeat so not to worry. I was put on bed rest for a couple days.

Still spotting two weeks later I called my dr's office and asked for them to schedule another appt for an ultrasound to make sure everything was ok. They called back and had set up an appt for 1 o'clock that afternoon. Went in for the ultrasound and they couldn't find a heartbeat. The baby had died a week earlier. I was almost 9 weeks pregnant. That was the worst day of my life, and one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with.

We decided that we would try to get pregnant again right away. My dr said to wait until I have 1 or 2 periods before trying again. Which would be fine since I was going to Texas at the beginning of July and Adam would be on vacation until the end of July. Planning on getting pregnant again helped keep my mind off of what just happened and I tried not to think about it negatively.

In between then and now we have had our problems. We broke up for about 2 weeks. I decided in that time, that obviously the baby planning was not going to work out. But we got back together, decided to get married and promised to try to make all of this work. So back to baby planning?

Yes, I have decided that I would like to have another baby. My angel boy is almost 5 and I really didn't want my children to be that far apart and he will start kindergarten next year. I think the timing would be good. If I could get pregnant in the next 2 months, preferably in Sept since were going to Vegas then, that would be perfect. I would be due in June, and could take the whole summer off. I graduate from school that summer, angel boy starts school and could have the summer off. It would be perfect all around, now let's see if I can make it all happen. Wish me luck!

I thought this would be fun to start doing. I have seen other people do it and keep forgetting about it until it is too late.

1.Define "infidelity" as it relates to a relationship. Have you ever been guilty of infidelity? Have you ever been the victim of infidelity? Have you ever been a participant in someone else's infidelity?

Infidelity in my opinion is when the person you are in a relationship with shares anything physical with someone else. I also believe that if it gets too emotionally involved that is also considered infidelity. I have been guilty of infidelity, but it was a long time ago and not in the relationship I am in now. I felt pretty shitty afterwards. Yes, I have been the victim. A few times and it is not something that I ever want to experience again. It is the worst feeling ever. No, I have never been a participant in someone else's infidelity, nor would I want to do that to someone.


2. What is the last thing you stole?

I actually got caught stealing some costume jewelry from JC Penny's when I was 14. I had never done it before, but I was trying to be cool and impress the people I was hanging out with. Would have been cooler had I not gotten caught. I was in so much trouble, and very embarrassed. I never did it again.

3. Name one place in your country that you have never been but would like to visit and why.

I have never been to the east coast. I would like to visit because for one I have never been there. I think it would be fun and a change of scenery. I have lived in Arizona for 14 years, there's not much to it, desert.

4. What movies can you watch over and over again?

There isn't too many. Dirty Dancing is one of my all time favorites and I could and probably have watched a hundred times.How to lose a guy in 10 days, that's such a great movie. Um, I can't really think of any other ones right now though I'm sure there is a few more.

5. Who is the last person you saw naked?

My boyfriend, last night!!

Bonus (as in optional): In honor of the 237 reasons we have sex study. Tell us at least five but not more than ten reason you have had sex.

1. Because it is fun!
2. Helps me sleep at night
3. Feels good
4. I had a bad day.
5. Relieve stress

If you guys wanna play, I have the link under my favorite blogs. Try it, it's fun!!

Hello everyone. Sorry I didn't post yesterday. I have been so tired the last couple of days.

So my weekend went pretty good. Not exactly as I planned but good.

Friday we went to the mall and picked up my ring. I picked out the new one I want, though I didn't get it. At least now if he ever wants to buy me a new one he knows which one I want. Then we went shopping for all the alcohol we needed for the party Saturday night. Went home and watched a movie.

Saturday was spent cleaning all day. We went through drawers, closets and cabinets. We reorganized and cleaned out everything. It was so nice. We had to go back to the store in the afternoon because the first store did not carry Jager and that's what I wanted for my birthday. So we started getting ready around 5 and in the middle of getting ready, my freaking power goes out. For an hour I had no electricity. I live in Arizona, it is like a 108 during the day, with no air conditioner, it sucked so bad. The rest of the night was good. Everyone showed up and got along. I got drunk and had a great time.

Sunday was a waste of a day. We were pretty hung over. Adam was so sick all day. Nice birthday huh? We did manage to go to lunch. I had to take my sister Sunday night to finish all her last minute school shopping. She started high school yesterday, and that is scary. So I decided that next weekend we will make up for Sunday.

I started my diet yesterday. It's not going very well. I gained a pound over night. Nice! I love how when I actually try and eat right, I gain weight. Whatever, I'm so tired of trying to diet. I hate it!!!

I hope you have a great day. I need some sleep.

I am so happy that today is Friday. Work this week has sucked so bad. I think that I have mentioned on here before that we are not that busy, unless it's tax season. I have about a week's worth of work that I need to make spread for at least 2 weeks. It isn't that hard to do. My boss was on vacation this week and even when he is here, he doesn't really pay attention to what I'm doing.I just feel really bad for sitting here all day and not doing anything, and it's boring. So I read blogs all day, every day, and I love it. Though I think I'm a little obsessed.

Anyway, this weekend is going to be great. We are going to go pick up my engagement ring. We dropped it off on Monday to have it cleaned. The way it is set, you have to send it away so that they can get it cleaned underneath. I've had it a year and a half and never had it cleaned. So all the lotion, hairspray, dish washing and all the other crap I do everyday makes it look like it came out of a cracker jack box. Maybe I'll post a pic of it this weekend!

We have to go shopping for the beer and food and all that good stuff that we need for the party tomorrow night. That should be fun, we normally end up buying way too much stuff. For some reason when me and Adam go shopping together we buy everything in the damn store. It is not a good idea for us to go together, but its fun.

Tomorrow will be spent cleaning the hell out of my house, and doing all the laundry. Something you should probably know about me is that I have OCD. My house is always clean, nothing is ever out of place. You could probably eat straight off my floors. And for some reason whenever I have people over I feel like I have to clean everything even though its already clean. Wash all the towels, rugs, steam clean the carpet. Everyone I know gets really pissed off over it. It makes me feel like I'm having a panic attack if shit is out of place. It's really bad.

Hopefully, Sunday I will not be too hungover. I would like to go to lunch with Adam to my one of my favorite restaurants. We have the best Mexican food where I live, and it's hard to pick one place to go.

That's my plan for the weekend. Sounds good right now. Now let's just see if it all goes over with no drama. That would be a miracle.

So with all of the diet talk going around lately, I have decided to start a diet. I do this about once every other month. I just need to actually stick with it. I loose some weight then get comfortable then gain it all back. I have gained a lot of weight since I had my son. It's just really easy to get into a comfort zone, and not care anymore. Well I do care and I want to change it. Shar has started a new blog, backintoskinnydom.blogspot.com, I think it will help hearing everyones else's stories. So I am going to try again, starting Monday of course, I have to party this weekend!!

I hope you guys have a great weekend. I will talk to you Monday!!!

It feels like it should be Tuesday, since I missed Monday. Only 2 days left until the weekend. Oh how I love the weekends.

I just finished summer semester so I have until the 22nd until fall classes start. I am so going to take full advantage of those 2 weekends. I actually kind of like school. Though I wish I would have gone back right when I graduated from high school. I would actually be done by now. I am going to take 2 business classes and a biology class. I think I'm going to have my hands full this semster, so I'm getting nervous.

My birthday is on Sunday. The big 28!! I know it's not that bad, I just feel like I haven't accomplished a whole hell of a lot. For some reason 28 sounds really old to me, and I know it's not. I don't feel like i'm going to be 28, so I guess that's good. I decided to just have a few friends over to my house on Saturday night. Hang out and drink ALOT!!! It should be fun. Here's to no drama!!!!

Do you ever feel like you should be somewhere different in your life then where you are right now? I think that I have done pretty damn good for the shit that's been handed to me. I have a nice house( though I don't own it), a great man, a wonderful and absolutly beautiful son, I am raising my sister because my mom is an idiot( that's another story). I am happy. I just wish I had more money. Me and Adam have been talking about paying off all our credit cards, which is alot, and paying down my student loans by December of 2008 so that we can try to buy a house. The problem is we don't make any money. I have a shopping problem, that I swear I am going to try and get under control. I only work an average of 30 hours a week at work. I work for a CPA, so during tax season I am busy, and I work 40 hours a week. But the rest of the time there just isn't anything to do. I continue to work here because 1.) I make my own hours, which is great since I have a 4 year old. 2.) I have the best boss ever! 3.) I can go on vacation, call in sick, leave early whenever I want and he never says anything. 4.) I work around my school schedule.

The problem is I think I am starting to freak out a little. Can you have a quarter life crisis? If so I think I may be having one. I am going to be 28 in less than a week and I still am not financially stable. It's scary. I always thought I would be able to take my kids on vacation and not have to save money for a year ahead of time. I thought I would be able to find that perfect purse and be able to buy it with no regrets. I love to shop and buy new stuff for me and my kids, I just don't get to do it as often as I'd like. I think I can stick it out with this job 1 more year. I will graduate next summer. I believe that once I graduate I will be able to make some decent money. My boss is getting older, 72, and is thinking about retiring in the next 2 years, though I don't think he will go longer than next tax season. So then I don't have to feel guilty about leaving.

Sorry just needed to rant a little. Thanks!!

I think that's it for now. Have a great day. Talk to you tomorrow!!

Sorry I haven't posted lately. So Friday nights concert was absolutely fantastic. We had so much fun. I ended up going with Nessa just in case I hadn't told you that before. We left at about 4 got up there early and just hung out. There is nothing worse than running late and having to rush around. I had a horrible hair night. But I guess it doesn't really matter. I wasn't there to impress anyone. Our seats were the best ever. We were so close, and I got the best pictures. I have never had that much fun at a concert and I'm so glad I went with Nes.

I had made an appointment for Sat morning to have my hair permed. Not the 80's poof ball perm. Something that looks more natural. My hair has some curl to it anyway, just not enough to do anything with. I am so tired of my hair. I had gone through old photo albums last week and every single picture has the same hair. For like 12 years, I have had the SAME hair. I'm tired of it. Though I really do like my hair when it's done. It takes an hour to do it everyday, I can't just get up and go, I always have to do my hair, I have to blow dry it straight and then curl it with a curling iron. And I think its getting too long, because it won't really hold a curl anymore, and then it just looks like a poofy rats nest. So I had my hair permed, colored, and trimmed Saturday. I love it. I think it looks really good, its so much easier to do in the mornings. I wish I would have done it a while ago.

Adam and I had a great weekend. My son went with his dad all weekend and my sister was gone to a friends house. So we went to lunch on sat. Shopped a little. Watched boxing and drank some beer, just the two of us. Sunday we got up went to lunch again, shopped some more. I bought a new living room rug and curtains. We got home and I decided to clean out and reorganize my garage. Adam cleaned the yard, weeds, trimming, and raking. Then we grilled some chicken and made baked potatoes. Sunday night we redid the living room. I am so in love with this room now. I love being productive. This was all shit that I have wanted to do for months but there was always some excuse not to. I am very proud of myself with the decorating.

Yesterday morning I woke up to the rain. Anyone that know me knows that I love the rain. So I woke up in a great mood. My son's preschool is closed the beginning part of this week and he is staying home with my sis. Adam wasn't working yesterday because his boss was on vacation. So I called in. It's been a long time since I have called in. So we didn't do a whole lot, hung out, did laundry. We went to the mall to get school clothes for the kids. And I had to get my engagement ring cleaned. So that prompted me to start looking at new rings. Not that I'm getting one, but I can still look. I love my ring that I have now don't get me wrong. But we have had some problems since I got it and we are starting over so I thought a new ring would be good. Just an excuse to look. But the idea may work!!!

Anyway I'm at work today. I think I may leave early since the kid's are home by themselves and I don't want them killing each other. Again just another excuse. I'm just not in the mood to work today, and nobody is here. So you guys have a great day, I'll talk to you tomorrow!!

Oh.... stupid Paige and her dumb husband didn't get the condo. It didn't pass inspection. All that for nothing. ha ha

My birthday is in ten days. Every year I usually invite all my friends to my favorite bar and we party like rockstars!! Not really but I try. This year it's not really what I want to do. I don't know if it's me getting older. Even though I'm going to be 28, which to actually say out loud sounds so old, I don't feel any different than I did when I turned 21. So I guess that's a good thing. I have done some cleaning out the closet with friends this year. There are a few people that I'm still friendly with, I just don't make it a point to actually call or purposely hang out with them. People that are very negative and just bring you down no matter what the occasion is. People that I really don't feel like associating with anymore. Do you ever feel like that?

This year I decided that I wanna go to Mexico and hang out on the beach. Lay out and drink beer all day while my kids play in the ocean. That is the perfect birthday. I have a client that has a huge beach house that he rents out. I guess I waited too long to call and book it cause it's booked til the first of November. So me and Adam decided last night that we are going to go to Vegas in September. I have been once, and he has never gone. There was alot I didn't get to do the first time, so I think it will be so much fun.

So I have been trying to put this whole stupid thing with the condo and Paige out of my mind. It hasn't been easy. She text me last night and asked if we could go to dinner tonight. I said that would be fine. I've been second guessing it all day. I really don't want to talk to her yet. But I need to get this shit off my chest and let her know that it was not cool and I don't want her to think she can ever do it again. Plus I have to give her the money for the concert ticket. So I figured I might as well go and get it over with. Wish me luck.

I am so excited about tomorrow night. I listen to all kinds of music. But my favorite artist is Tim McGraw. Always has been and I really have no idea why. When I was younger I never listened to country only R&B and rap, but I have always loved him. So if you haven't guessed that's whose concert I'm going to. This will be my 5th time to see him in concert. The only 2 that I have missed when he has been in town were the year I was pregnant with my son and the year after. The first time I went to Vegas was to see him. He's great! So excited!!

Well it's getting time for me to leave work. I work really hard, can't you tell. I will try to post tomorrow before I go. If not have a great weekend!!!

So remember how I told you that Paige's husband called and left me a message. Well I decided to be a big girl and deal with this. I was really busy at work so instead of calling him back, I emailed him. I just basically said, thank you for not being mad, I never did it on purpose or to screw you, hope someday we can all be friends again.

He emailed back with a bunch of the same shit that he said on the phone. He never meant for me to feel like it was my fault, he would never be mad at me or have bad feelings towards me for doing what I thought was best for my family. I sent him another email that again said thanks, and talk to you soon.

So by this point its all becoming a broken record. Everyone saying the same thing over and over again. He calls on his way home from work!! Are you freakin kidding me, what the fuck else do we need to say. I'm done talking about it. He then goes into broken record mode again. So at the end of the conversation he says, "don't tell Paige we talked, I will tell her. Please call her, she is really worried about loosing your friendship."

Good lord!! First of all, since it has been a couple of days I have had more time to think about the shit she said to me on Sunday night. I would have never talked to my friends like that. I have this reputation among my friends and family for being a bitch and a little too straight forward. I still never would have said that shit to a friend.

She text me this afternoon and and asked me if I would forgive her. I let her know that there was nothing to be forgiven, I'm not mad. I just really didn't appreciate the way she talked to me, but that I would get over it, soon. She wants to have dinner tomorrow night.

Here's the dilemma, though I'm not really mad, I am irritated. I mean really I didn't do shit to you. Because she is such an emotional person, (she is depressed and on medication) it makes it difficult to say anything to her. I don't feel that our friendship will ever be the same after all this. What do you think?

On to other news, school starts in 3 weeks and I haven't even completed the summer semester. My original goal was to graduate with at least my associates degree before my son started kindergarten. I may just be able to make it, barely. Which means on top of working 35 hours a week and having two kids and a man, I have 3 classes to take this fall. I am excited and up for the challenge. Just don't know if I'll make it to December.

Have a great day!!

Just a WARNING this is a very long post!!!

Sorry I know I have stories that I was supposed to be finishing. So lets start updating shall we??

My fiance came back from vacation last week. We talked and decided that we are going to work on our relationship. He told me that he wants to be with me, marry me and have more kids. I let him know that it all sounds good right now, but there are things that we both have to work on. It's not just as easy as saying what you want, you have to work on the crap that we have problems on. I'm not saying that I don't have shit that I need to work on but god knows I have tried. So we had a great weekend together and I have hope that everything will work out. Wish me luck!!!

So the drama this weekend, Paige!! Remember when I told you that her husband was looking at that condo. K, so the thing is, is that it wasn't actually for me. He has wanted to buy a piece of investment property for years. He's got some extra money in the bank and started looking. It was just kind of ironic that I was also contemplating moving out and getting my own place. I agreed to rent it from him if he bought it. Not forever just awhile, just until I figure out what the fuck I wanna do with my life. He found out Saturday that he got it. So now I have a problem, if I move out I can't fix my relationship with Adam. If I stay I piss off my best friend. What the hell do I do???

I piss off my best friend. I talked to her Sat night and let her know that I was having doubts. She told me that she thinks that I am making a big mistake. I should move into the condo, but if I chose not to, I won't loose friends over it. Do what I feel is best for me, just decide soon.

So I call her husband on Sunday and ask him, how pissed at me would you be if I don't rent the place from you. He got mad, I apologized and let him know that I thought it was the best for me and my kids. He hung up.

So about an hour later she called, she says he's pissed, he'll get over in a couple days. He feels betrayed and feels like I screwed him over. She says were fine, she thinks that everything will calm down soon.

Four hours later she starts texting me. He's so upset. He feels like you betrayed him. I don't know what to do, I don't want to be in the middle of it. I need to make him happy but your my best friend(only friend). I feel stuck in the middle. I don't want to chose sides. blah blah blah....

I apologize a thousand times, tell her I didn't do it on purpose. I still wanna be friends, I thought I did what was best for me and my future. Now,I am not normally one to kiss someones ass. If your mad at me, then I'm sorry but you can either get over it or don't be my friend. I don't mean to sound like a bitch, but I really don't enjoy the drama. I didn't think it was that big of a deal.

So then all of a sudden she says,he asked me if I was mad at all and to be honest I feel disappointed, I feel like you chose Adam over our friendship and screwed us. Then went on to say that she didn't understand how I could do this to them. I made this decision and didn't even think of how it was going to effect them. I am the reason they bought the place and I betrayed them. As all of this is going on, I continually tell her I'm sorry. If she needs to be on his side and not be my friend anymore then I will understand.

You would think I killed one of their children. They did NOT buy this condo for me. I just agreed to move in and rent it from them for a while. It needs a lot of work and they promised it would all be fixed by the time I moved in. Now part of her argument was that now they have to go in and fix everything up before they can rent it out. So did they lie, they weren't going to fix it for me. News flash the place was a dump, I would have never moved in if it didn't get fixed first.

So next on the drama list. We have a concert to go to this Friday night. She decides it is not a good idea that she goes, she needs to make sure that her husband is happy and thinks that if she goes it will piss him off. I told her twice to make sure that's what she wants. She says yes, to find someone to buy her ticket.

So yesterday morning I call my friend Lynn, she says that she doesn't have the money to go but that she will let me know for sure this evening. I also text my friend Nessa but don't hear back from her until later in the afternoon. In the meantime Paige has text me and asked if I found anyone to buy her ticket, if not she still wants to go. WTF!!! I let her know that Lynn is going to call me later, I don't mention Nessa, I didn't think I had to. I ask her why she changed her mind, she had the audacity to tell me,"he says I can still be friends with you it's just that he will never trust you again" How nice is that to tell someone that is supposed to be your best friend?

Nessa texts me later and says that if Lynn doesn't go that she will. She also agrees that this whole condo thing is not my fault and is being blown entirely out of proportion. So Lynn calls she can't go, no money. I called Nessa, she says she will defiantly go. I text Paige and let her know that Nessa is going and I will have her money next week.

So she calls me and is rude as hell, is confused because I didn't mention anything about Nessa going, only Lynn. Tells me that she wants her money and hangs up on me. First of all who the fuck do you think you are. I have taken all your crap and shit talking and been pretty nice about it and for shit that I don't entirely think is my fault. You said you didn't want to go. I asked you more than once just to make sure. So now, why are you so mad. Because I didn't tell them nevermind, all of a sudden your not mad at me so you can go.

I called her back. I asked her why the hell she was so pissed. I also tell her that I didn't like the comment about, he says I can be friends with you. Hold up, cause didn't you just get mad at me because you say I chose my fiance over our friendship. Isn't that what you doing? She starts crying and telling me that she doesn't know what to do. She still wants to be my friend but she can't believe that I gave the ticket to Nessa since I didn't mention it earlier, blah blah blah. I tell her, I'm sorry, when you decide what you want then you call me and let me know. I will be here and I hang up. Seriously are we still in high school. I wasn't aware I was only allowed one other friend, that I had to tell you who I talked to and when. I'm so irritated.

This morning her husband calls me and leaves me a message. He says he is not mad, a little disappointed. Everything will be OK, he's going to fix up the condo and rent it out. Please don't feel bad about this, its all OK, blah blah.....

So if he is not mad then why is she? She only started getting mad when he asked her why she wasn't. Who was the one really talking all the shit? I really don't know what the hell to think. I know that I said I would rent the place but damn there isn't other people who need a place to live in town. I made a decision based on what I thought was best for me and my family. You have two months to find someone. I think that's plenty of time. I am also kinda pissed now that I have had time to think about all the crap she said to me.

What do you think? Should I let it go or say something to her? What would you do if it was you?

So I have waited all week for it to be friday. I have a had a week from hell, between work being so very slow and boring to bullshit at home. I know that I kinda started to post earlier this week about my fiance who is actually at the moment my ex fiance except we still live together.I swear I will finish the story in the next couple days. Anyways he sucks today and is bugging the shit out of me.

On the weekends my ex takes my son( who by the way doesn't belong to the current boyfriend or whatever he is) so I have the weekend to do whatever, basically. I have no homework!!!! I made half ass plans with my friend Paige to hang out and drink this weekend, because I really need to. So around 1 Adam texts me and here is the convo....

He asks what i want to do tonight. I tell him, "I thought about hanging out with Paige." He says, "thats not what he wants to do, he will find something else." I ask, "why not." He says, "that when he was on vacation(which he just got back from) he thought I said we could work on our relationship." I say "yes I did say that but what the hell does that have to do with plans tonight?" He says, "I just assumed we would hang out tonight like we always do."

Here is my problem: we never do anything on Friday nights, or most nights for that matter, except sit around the house watching t.v. Never anything I want, usually it's sports. I have no problem watching sports, but if we are supposed to be spending time together, why don't we watch something that we both want to watch.

Also, why do people assume shit. Until 1 o'clock today he never mentioned anything about us doing something tonight. So why do you get all pissed off and bent out of shape because I sort of half ass made plans. You need to learn to speak up.

Part of my problem with this is that when we are together I tend to loose myself in him. I always want to make sure he is happy and that we are doing what he wants to do. Anyone that knows me well, knows that I am not this kind of person. So I have no freaking clue why with him I do this. So the last 3 weeks that we haven't seen each other, because we were both on vacation, I seemed to get a little bit of myself back. I am a very independent person, but when I am with him I don't feel like I am, and I hate that.

Sorry to bore you to death with this very pointless post, but I needed to vent. So any advice? I want to work it out, but just not rush back into shit like it was before. I guess I just need to tell him that.

I just ran across this on another site. I thought it was kinda cool. You should check it out!

In a Past Life...

You Were: A Famous Mathematician. Where You Lived: South Africa. How You Died: Natural causes.

Do you ever feel like you wish that you could look into the future and know where you life is going to be then? That’s where I’m at in mine right now. There has been a lot that has gone on in the last few months that makes me a little unsure of everything. But first I guess I need to give you a little history.

I met my fiancé, Adam almost three years ago. It was at my friend Lynn’s little sisters wedding. At first I thought that he was there as the date of one of her other little sisters. I was wrong. We didn’t really talk much throughout the night, until the end. The reception was over fairly early so a few of us decided to go to a club. So he and a friend of his told us they would meet us there. They didn’t show up for at least an hour after we got there, and I don’t know why but I was a little upset when I thought he wasn’t going to show. They came and we had a great time. I went with him after the bar closed to get something to eat, and then he drove me home. I let him in, and we had the best conversation for hours. Before I knew it was four o’clock in the morning, and we had started messing around. I’m normally not one for one night stands but I had been alone for so long that this was something I needed.

The rest is history. He called the next day and we’ve been dating ever since. We have had our problems, he wasn’t the commitment type, and I didn’t really want to waste my time on someone that would never be anything more than just a good friend. We broke up twice and after we got back together the second time he asked me to marry him. I thought that if we were married that everything would change. Well just after 4 months of being engaged we broke up again. I thought this time was it. We didn’t really talk for quite a while and I started seeing someone else. No matter what I did, I couldn’t help but miss him. I thought that I owed it to myself to give it another try. I didn’t want to wonder years down the road what could have been.

We got back together again last September. I made it perfectly clear that we couldn’t work on our relationship where I was living. I had a one bedroom apartment that originally was just for me and my son. But a month before my sister came to live with me. That’s another huge story that I will tell you about another day. So we decided that we would move in together. I mean why not, we loved each other right? We found our house and moved in at the end of December, I was so excited, he on the other had didn’t seem too thrilled.

The last 7 months have been pretty good. I found out in May that I was pregnant. I was very happy but scared. At the beginning of June I lost the baby. So I was really upset and all Adam could was to tell me that it could have been worse and that we could try again later. Not the answer I was looking for. All I wanted him to do was be sad with me, but that wasn’t going to happen.

We have these huge blown out fights about once a month. And I always find myself wondering why the hell I did this, and why I just didn’t let it be. I should have never got back together with him. But there is so much that I love about him. I get along great with his family and he gets along with mine, though I don’t really know how. My family is a little crazy, again another story for another day. We are really great friends but we are both really stubborn and want stuff only our way. The problem is I am all for compromising and trying new things to make this work. He is not. He has told after our last fight that he is who he is and he is never going to change, not for me or anyone else. Personally I do not feel like that is fair. So we decided that it would probably be best that we ended it now, before we move any further in our relationship.

This is getting a little long and I don’t want to bore anyone. So I will finish the end tomorrow.

I woke up this morning with a bit of a hangover. I have so much stuff to do today so it is not a good day to feel like shit. But I guess that’s the price you pay, right?

Summer semester ends next week and I still have so much homework to do for the accounting class I am taking. I hate this class, I love accounting (it is what I am getting my degree in), but this class seriously sucks. I am in no mood what so ever to be doing homework today.

My best friend Paige’s husband is looking to purchase a condo or townhouse for me to move into. See I have been fighting with my fiancé lately and since we live together, even if I didn’t want to be with him I couldn’t leave because I can’t afford our house on my own. I thought I had it figured out but that all got turned upside down a week or so ago, but that’s a different story for another day. So this morning we had an appointment at 11 to meet with the realtor to look at it. I loved it, but it is going to take a lot to fix it up. It is 4 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms. Problem is the entire kitchen needs remodeled: cabinets, appliances, and the floors. As a matter of fact the floors throughout the entire condo need to be redone. All the walls need painted. The master bathroom needs gutted and redone. I hope it works out, because I am so excited. I love the idea of being able to fix up my own house.

I have to go grocery shopping and do all the laundry tonight to. I dread going grocery store; I wait until the very last minute, when we have absolutely no food left. And the laundry I wish I could invent a little laundry elf. I would never have to do it again and never worry about whether what I want to wear is clean or not.

So tell me why it’s 5 o’clock and have done none of the above except look at my hopefully new house. I guess I better go before my children starve to death while wearing dirty clothes.

So I am not even sure how to start this out. First off I am a 27 year old single mother of a 4 year old. I also have custody of my 14 year old sister. I work full time and also go to school part time. So yes there is a lot going on in my house.

There has been a lot that has happened to lead up to the point in my life where I am at today. I think my biggest and best accomplishment so far has been my son. Without him I think I would have probably been drugged and locked in a padded room, to save me from my own insanity.

I promise you I am not insane, but there are a lot of crazy people in my life that I swear have tried to drive me there. I’m sure everyone knows what I am talking about. Though I feel like I have an excess of crazies.

I have started writing this blog to hopefully help me work through all the crap in my life. I know I am not the only one out there that has problems and I hope to get a little advice throughout this journal.

So this is me.

This is my life.